Just a Perfect Day
I went out East for work today, saw where the cliffs rise from the river and thought about returning with paints. I’ll find a spot in the hills, maybe with a friend but to go alone could be even better. Rebirth is a concept that’s been following me around for what feels like forever. It’s caught up right now and I’m rolling around in it.
The best normal days are ones like today, where I found myself crying after talking on the phone in the morning and singing to myself walking down a rocky beach in the evening. I sat at the end of a dock at the river and thought about exercising free will- what a gift. I like to investigate more than anything, to find out where and why and what is going on with people. It puts me into a specific state of calm that can’t be replicated, a focused lifeblood calm. My work is my life because my life is my work; it’s all a feedback loop.
I got a drink with my mom on a warm evening when I was visiting my home town this past week, and we talked a bit about love. She gave me some indirect advice that I can’t follow because it doesn’t fit the full context that I did not give her. I told her some of my criteria and she told me that when she was my age and fell in love with my dad, she didn’t know who she was in the ways that I do. I don’t know how this is possible. I’ve heard things like this before, such as that I think about things more intensely than others. I hate to separate myself from other people more than anything, because I don’t believe I’m any different. I told a random man at a bar one time that I love people and he said that I just don’t know them well enough yet, but I disagree. I spend all my time talking to people and thinking about the human experience, and I am fulfilled by that in such a way that it makes me believe in God.
I feel like I’m hatching from an egg every day because in a way I really am. I’m young and in the early stages of my career and have very little tying me down. I’ve written before that I’m satisfied without love but things are changing and I do want it now, partially inspired by my recent contact with a boy from a ways back, although it can’t really be him even if I want it to be, which I must admit I do despite it all. At the end of June it will have been a year that I’ve been away from my most recent relationship. The material circumstances of my life are almost unrecognizable but my soul is the same- if anything I’ve returned to the good parts of myself that shrunk back when I was with him. Rebirth, that’s what I’m saying.