Let the Light In
Sometimes I wonder if I died that day on the beach, or that day at that house, or that time in the hotel. My brain turns in on itself like a small animal rolling into a ball and I can’t remember anymore. What if the time since then has been a dream? It does feel like a dream. I have everything I ever wanted and I’m floating through life while people tell me they feel bad for me. For what? I have a place to stay where no one messes with me, where there is no poop on the floor and no dread in the air. I have a job, a hard job but one I can feel good about and that challenges my brain. I have friends, more and better than I ever have had in my life and I cry thinking of how good it feels. I am a better friend to others now than I ever have been.
A man or boy I once knew came back and told me how much he misses me and I don’t feel the same and it eats at me. When I told him what happened he cried and said he feels so sad for me. I told him, do not feel sad for me feel happy because I am better now. Everything is tragic to him, and it is, but I don’t have time for that way of thinking. Do you think humans have survived generation after generation because they could properly grasp the depth of suffering in this world? I’m guilty of it too but only sometimes and when it’s thrown in my face. You find happiness in the sadness when you have to and things change. That’s what I find but I can’t judge other people’s unhappiness, no one can. People use their pain to justify their insistence on sharing it with others and they use it as a shield and a horn. I don’t know where to put my pain either but I know it’s not there. But that’s the thing about it, I recognize when people do these things because of how familiar it is to how I’ve acted.
That surge is coming back a little, I just felt it. I need it back. Dear God, please help me this week I can see the light coming.