Lover
I said to him,
I never go crazy with you because you’re so gentle
And we had sex one more time like how he always does it. We spoke during and took moments to rest, knowing we would likely not pass this way again.
I’ve been shown that my capacity for love has few boundaries. Even so, I believe I would not be truly fulfilled by him. I told him he was good, but when I spoke with my friends about it they laughed at him and made unkind comments about his virility.
I told one friend that the problem is that he is not a real lover like me- in both the physical and emotional sense of the word. She said that if someone said that to her, it would be excruciatingly hurtful. It is one of those statements best kept away from its subject.
The issue I run up against is that I want someone who is like me, and I don’t meet men who really are. My mother tells me to compromise. In some ways she is right, but what I am unwilling to let go of are qualities that I believe are truly essential for mutual satisfaction. I see love as the meaning of life, and having children as one of my central purposes. I only want to have sex within the context of romantic love, and ideally multiple times daily. He must be at least as smart as I am, and secure in his sense of self. To be with a man who doesn’t believe he deserves you is to be torn down and put out.
Love is real, I know because I contain it. When I say I would do anything for the one I love, I don’t mean in a metaphorical way, I mean in the everyday and the forming of life together. Not when it is convenient but as a way of being. My mother tells me to compromise. I don’t know how I possibly could.