Ramblings
My coworker told me I look young, heathy and well rested, and she is jealous. She looked at me strange like she really means the last part. She’s gorgeous. It must be difficult to be beautiful all your life and feel that power slipping away as you age.
I have been thinking about a different coworker and if he is happy. I was told that he said being a lawyer is not worth it. I could cry. He helps a lot of people but it isn’t worth it to him. Lots of people hate him too. I want to ask, what would you have done differently? What should I do?
The man I am sleeping with is talking to silicone valley investors. He corresponds with his undergrads in the lab between rounds of sex. I tease him, you’re in bed with a naked girl and you’re looking at graphs. He is so talented at fucking me that I let him get away with it, by which I mean I continue to see him even though he does things I don’t like. I have myself to blame for this arrangement.
I give grace and feel that it is not returned to me. My friend said it’s because I’m too open and I need to try being manipulative. It’s like WMDs, no one likes it but…
I don’t want to be something I’m not. They will like it or they won’t. It’s not that people don’t like it but it hasn’t really worked out in the way I want. Maybe time for a new strategy, but I don’t want to use a strategy, I want to do what feels right. I guess that is its own strategy.
I’m watching a movie that makes me think of my ex-boyfriend; Buffalo ‘66. The good thing is I didn’t watch it with him. It would have been too on the nose and he would have gotten upset without me having to say a word. I can just imagine it. No matter what I tried it wouldn’t have worked. I could be the best actor in the world. It makes me hate myself a bit. If anyone asks, I like that movie because we all have a piece of each of the characters inside of us. The truth is that it’s relatable and makes me feel something really dark.
Since writing that I have researched this Vincent Gallo guy, part of my piecing together of the cultural references that undoubtably influenced the man I knew. He is of a different generation so these aren’t obvious to me. My best friend tells me she gets it but that I must know I’m keeping him alive. I’m still watering a plant that is poisoning me and needs to die. I have this urge to figure him out even though it is a total waste of my time, and he really isn’t that deep. I considered reading his favorite novel, but only briefly. That is obviously a terrible idea.
I love being alive and young and a woman more than anything and it kills me. Well, no one is making me be like this. I’m in a prison of my own creation and I need to break out. At the end of the day, all I want is love. I believe but I’m impatient.