Self Flagellation
Why it is so hard to not give people what they want? I am so good at it when I try. Why is it so easy to not give myself what I want? Maybe I don’t know what it is that I what. Maybe I can live through anything if it means giving others what they want. But at what cost? I need to live for me, whoever she is. I love living as myself and I feel guilty for it. Who am I to do these things when he is presumably suffering? I feel the call to abandon myself for him again. But. But. Where was altruism when I needed him to manage his emotions, to choose what I want and need over his want and need to express himself how he wishes. I don’t know how much of how he acts is out of his control. It’s easy to say he is out of control, but someone who truly is does not think to hide it, does not think to come up with a script to tell the police when they inevitably come to the door to investigate the screaming. Sometimes I consider that much of what he did for me was in service of a selfish goal: to confine me for safekeeping, to secure my loyalty and prevent me from leaving. I want to give my loyalty. But where does loyalty stop, can some actions supersede it? I feel justified in breaking the promises I’ve made when confronted with true fear. But it still hurts me and compels me to chase after more hurt, to bring the hurt through self flagellation because the thought of his pain makes me hungry for strong acts of retribution against myself.