Rotten Sun, Guardian Moon
On the plane. What a time! I came up with a new little thing the other day: the guardian moon as the counterpart, adversary, the long lost friend of the rotten sun. I first discovered the rotten sun during my summer in Los Angeles by way of Ross Farrar and his book Ross Sings Cheree etcetera. I’d like to talk to him about this but I’ll start by rereading what he said about it. Then I may not need to bother him. What the rotten sun means to me is an expression of the beauty and joy in the challenges of life. It is the gratitude for the struggle as a part of a well rounded human experience. The rotten sun is when you have no car and have to walk miles and take the subway and have frightening experiences as a result but are glad for it. It is beating down when your legs are tired and you are thirsty but you have purpose and motion.
In this portion of my diary I wrote a letter to my ex boyfriend (J) who lives in LA which I won’t include here. I only half intended to send it to him but he ended up with it another way. He must have known I was thinking about him.
Oh and I never got around to the guardian moon! She cools the warmth of the rotten sun. She is the breeze in the evening after the heat has gone down. She is bringing it all back home. Observing at a distance, you can feel her when she wants you to.
Days later:
Back on the plane. Haha ha! I predicted so much in my previous entry. I willed it into existence. I made decisions in alignment with what was on my mind.
I love it here. I cannot wait for my California summmer. Nothing could be sweeter.
J that sneaky motherfucker got himself a free night at a five star resort! He is so him. I will have a piece of him in my heart forever. I got this cutie pie video of him falling backwards out of a headstand in the grass next to the aviary, smiling and laughing. It ain’t you babe and it ain’t me! Now that I believe this we can actually have some fun. I’ll likely be seeing more of him this summer.
We snuck onto the golf course to smoke cigarettes late at night, just like old times. When we did that at the golf course by my college we were chased by security, this same month five years ago he reminded me. This time I had some claim to it and no one bothered us. Walking back I told him that something I like about him is his appreciation for the subtlety and the symbolism. That’s what I’m all about, he said.
We fooled around in the hot tub, just like old times again, classic us meeting up at a hotel when I’m back in California and feeling each other up in a hot tub. Going back to the room, striping off our suits and making love on a big white bed. I am not a lover for his life. He is not the one I want, he will only let me down. That’s our song, I decided. He is the spitting image of Bob. Apparently I’m in the credits of his newest movie (film) after all. Apparently he wants to settle down once I finish school, by then he’ll be 29 and ready to be a loving husband and father to my children. I don’t believe a word that comes out of his beautiful mouth so I just laugh and kiss him.
Back in town I spoke to the other guy I’m in love with on the phone, sitting outside in the morning with my cup of coffee. We FaceTimed for a few minutes so I could show him the yard. He was wearing a winter scarf and looked so cute I could cry. It absolutely kills me how cute he is in a scarf. He told he was asked to be the speaker at his old university’s graduation and that they’re naming a prize after him. Big time boy. He has such a lovely and endearing voice, the sound and the cadence is very pleasing to me. I miss you a lot. I miss you too. Goodbye dear.
I’m a lucky girl, spoiled with these handsome and brilliant men. I have high hopes for the future. I hope it will be with him but only time will tell; he is across the country and I won’t be able to touch him for two more months. In half a year I’ll be living in his city. If he is not the one for me then it will be another outcome even better than I could have imagined. If he is then it will be.